Boy, was I glad to see this on Saturday night! I’m not going to go into to many details of the journey (it was something of an epic trip from Stranraer to Edinburgh), but let’s just say it was a bit of a test for a (relatively) novice driver like me! Basically, it snowed on the M8. A lot. And there was a lack of grit on the road. Frankly, I’m just happy to still be alive…

Is it 2010 already? 2009 was only getting started.. For those of you who are interested in what I was up to, I was in my bedroom in BT38 (NI) watching the London celebrations on TV. I might have thought to watch the BBC Scotland version in Edinburgh on my parents’ Freesat but that thought never occurred to me. Even after 8 years in Scotland (admittedly only 3 of which I’ve spent Hogmanay there) I’ve never been particularly bothered about new year, although I will admit the extra bank holiday is pretty nice.

It’s always the way this time of year: new year, new start, new Labour.. well maybe not the last one, but January 1st is, for me, a day of contemplation as to what’s coming up this year. I intimated briefly in my 2009 review what would be coming up, and I guess I should expand on that.

Sadly for me, this will be the year I finally enter the “real world”, and so the next 6 months will be spent writing my PhD thesis, applying for jobs and ekeing out the last of my student discounts and snapfax offers. After that though, it’s hard to say what I want to do with my life. While any job offers for a guy with a PhD in mathematics and a love of Ulster produce will be welcome, it’s probably best that I take a long hard think and pray about such things. Staying in numbers would be pretty great, since it’s pretty much my life just now, but we shall see. And as to where….?

I am often asked if I’ll go back to Northern Ireland when I’m done. I’ve always said that there are only two ways this would happen, one of which is running out of money (which would be the result of a long period of unemployment and a lack of control on my part), and the other is for another time, but is arguably more likely (but still not probable). Don’t get me wrong, I like Northern Ireland a lot, but all my best friends are either in Edinburgh or moved on elsewhere now, so going back would be pretty much starting all over again (albeit with my family much nearer again). Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, it just doesn’t really appeal.

So what else is in store? I have other things I must do. One of them frightens me to death, but is necessary. Others include keeping promises, watching less TV, playing more football, finishing my big pile of books (still…), praying more and thinking more positively. If the last two things happen, then this will be a good year indeed!

…or rather just my personal favourites, since I haven’t played every single game there was to be played, and my interests aren’t varied enough to cover all genres. So here they are..

5. Guitar Hero. For those of us whose fingers just aren’t up to the job of playing real guitars, this is a brilliant way to strum along (sort of) realistically to your favourite tunes. Rock Band enhanced this concept by introducing bass and drums and adding a microphone to boot (though SingStar had the singing bit already sorted before this), which Guitar Hero also added to its World Tour package soon after. Great for a fun night in!

4. Pro Evolution Soccer. What can be said? My first PES encounters involved finishing last in various tournaments (on PES 2) that a few of us in Turner House were involved in. In those early skirmishes, I struggled to even get a goal, but I was hooked. Until PES 2010, I bought it every year without fail, as it seemed somehow more real and less cartoony than FIFA, with its only flaws being the lack of licenced teams (Trad Bricks against West London Blue somehow doesn’t have the same edge as Man Utd v Chelsea) and poor use of advantages and handballs. PES 6 was the high point- unfortunately it’s been downhill since then.

3. Portal. Who says you can’t have fun when you’re using your brain? Portal’s concept was simple, but genius: you use your gun to put two portals into walls: you walk into one and come out the other! Using this gun, you were to move through different chambers, solving puzzles, avoiding death and looking forward to cake. The game may be quite short, but I don’t think a game has made me laugh as much since Sam & Max Hit the Road (way back in the nineties), and the ending, for a change, is actually worth working towards (anyone remember the terrible ending to Quake?). Who would have thought a sentient computer could be so talented?

2. Gran Turismo 4. If you have a PlayStation and have even a vague interest in cars, then not owning Gran Turismo is surely a crime. The choice of cars and tracks is staggering (even if half the cars they claim to have are actual variants of the Nissan Skyline), and each car felt different, like it probably should have done: the old american muscle cars struggled to turn corners; the Le Mans cars had massive top speed; and the Nissan Cube always felt like it was going to fall over if it even got anywhere close to a bank in the road. Monaco genuinely felt claustrophobic, the Circuit de la Sarthe was exhilirating to drive and the Nurburgring was as difficult to negotiate as it should have been. If you tuned your car so that it was much better than the opposition, you received fewer points than if it was not. The AI knew all the tricks to get you to make a mistake. It should have been number one, but unfortunately it demanded too much time and perfection: I am unwilling to do 3 24 hour races in order to get 100% completion. But other than that, it’s quite simply superb.

1. Half Life 2. I know, I’m predictable, but this game genuinely blew my mind, as its predecessor had done. Everyone’s favourite mute phycist Gordon Freeman returns to discover that the planet he thought he’d saved has, in fact, been enslaved by a malevolent alien race known as the Combine. And, obviously, he has to free the planet, but not without much wandering. But I digress. There are many things that make this game so great. The fact that the lead character (i.e. you) cannot speak is not a hindrance at all as the non-player characters (NPCs) tell you all you need to know, and actually enhances the storytelling, as everything is revealed little by little. The Gravity Gun weapon is a brilliant little toy (and becomes even more fun later on), the combat is superb, and the game does become genuinely scary in at least two parts. I haven’t really done it justice: mere words cannot describe how great the game is.

Anyway, those are my favourite games of the decade. What are yours?

I’ve learnt some things about my family (and about general stuff) in the last few days. Here are some things:

1. Apparently I am related to former Formula One world championship runner-up Eddie Irvine (although this is very tenuous indeed, as it’s only through marriage. For those interested, he’s the cousin of my Mum’s cousin).

2. There is an age (undiscovered as yet by science, but it is believed to be at least 75) from which old people can say they’re “not long for this world” one minute and then make slightly dubious remarks about your personal life the next . More on this later…

3. Apparently choosing the church one gets married in is highly political, particularly somewhere like East Belfast in the 1950’s which had (and still does have)  a relatively high concentration of Presbyterian churches: rumour has it that a certain now-deceased relative of mine forsook her own church for one down the road that lent itself to nicer pictures, and that this caused a bizarre chain of events that only righted itself in the 70’s.

4. Everyone wants a White Christmas, yet nobody can explain to me properly why they want it. (I don’t dislike the idea, I just don’t know what’s so great about it!). For the record, it was not a White Christmas in BT38 this year.

5. I only really see the BT38 kids at church once a year, and it’s cool to see how much they grow over the course of a year (and how cheeky they get!)

6. I’m “liberal” because I read The Times. Who knew?

Has it really been a year? Why yes, so it’s time for another annual dose of narcissism. So instead of lists this year, there are some questions I will answer instead.

What was the high point of 2009?
Well, it would be remiss of me to ignore that I passed my driving test at the umpteenth time of asking and subsequently bought my first car, a lovely wee Ford Fiesta (which has no name, and will stay that way). It’s just a shame that driving is so expensive…

Any other highlights?
A few: I wrote a lot of my thesis; had a brilliant tutorial group; became a co-leader of a small group; got a brilliant new minister at church; completed a food hygiene course at church; sang in a choir at church; took part in an hilarious (?) sketch in church; drove safely home in snowy conditions;

What was the low point of 2009?
While many good things happened, a few dud things must also happen. There was no low point as such, but recent events have caused me to perennially cast doubt on things I’ve done and because I worry so much about these things, my quality of life has suffered as a result. But I guess this is a phase that will pass.

Anything else?
I did fail my driving test twice this year before I finally passed, but since I did ultimately pass, it wasn’t a problem. There were a couple of health issues, but they both passed. I can’t think of anything else..

Tell me some things you learnt this year:
1) Nature abhors a vacuum; but not as much as (some) married Christians abhor a single twenty-something Christian. This sounds like a complaint, but it’s not really, I just find it funny.

2) Sending messages in public (like in Facebook, Bebo,blogs or Twitter) is pretty much an open goal for anyone to read them, get the wrong conclusions and give you “helpful advice” when they next see you. Private messages are the way forward!

3) Writing a PhD thesis is HARD. Who knew?

Person of 2009:I think Robin Sydserff, our minister. He’s really re-energised the church (things were a bit stale during the vacancy) and the training we’re getting for evangelism, preaching and so on is both brilliant and invaluable. He’s a great preacher too…

Best Film you saw this year:
Slumdog Millionaire I would think: though I add the caveat that I only saw about ten films this year, so I’ve missed out on Gran Torino, Avatar, Moon and other things that were suppose to be brilliant. Honourable mentions to Frost/Nixon and District 9 too.

Worst Film you saw this year:
Terminator Salvation by a country mile. Terminator and Terminator 2 are two of my favourite ever films. This was awful and a complete abomination.

Best book I read:
I didn’t read enough books (again.. this seems to be a common theme). Of the ones I read, I think Casino Royale by Ian Fleming was probably the best. Take from that what you will..

Best Sporting Moments:
Andres Iniesta’s last minute equaliser for Barcelona against Chelsea to knock them out on the away goals rule in the Champions League semi-final; Jenson Button’s magnificent drive to win the championship at the Brazilian Grand Prix; Ireland winning the Six Nations Grand Slam; not being crap at fantasy football (for a change). All good.

Best TV Moment:
I guess since the best TV of the year (i.e. Christmas) hasn’t happened yet, it’s hard to say. But I did enjoy the Knitted Character’s adventures on Harry Hill’s TV Burp, and the last ten minutes of the last Doctor Who special (not that the rest of it was bad, it’s just that this bit was particularly emotive) when David Tennant was at his very best as the increasingly unstable 10th Doctor.

Best album you bought this year:
The problem is that I don’t often listen to albums all the way through more than once: however Green Day’s 21st Century Breakdown was an exception to this rule, and gets my award this year. Even if Radio 1 was intent on ruining “Know your Enemy” by overplaying it. (And I didn’t buy many albums this year, truth be told)

What are you looking forward to in 2010?
Many things, amongst which I’ll be submitting my thesis and (hopefully) passing my Viva and getting a job. Eek!

I think that will do. If you have a blog, I’d be interested in reading your thoughts on this year too! Have a very merry Christmas, and an aweseme 2010!

Since it’s December, I thought I’d count down to Christmas by having a few “top five” lists (culminating in my highly narcisstic review of the year), so to start, here are my top five most played tunes in my iTunes this year (note: the songs may not necessarily have been released this year, but I’ve been listening to them. And just because they’re the most played doesn’t mean they are the “best”). Let me know yours! Here we go:

Number 5: Remedy by Little Boots. Not much to say really, just a nice tune.

Number 4: I’m Not Alone by Calvin Harris. Largely played in the Office when I’m actually alone..

Number 3: Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap. This was the iTunes free single of the week, and it was very good. It was featured in the movie “(500) Days of Summer” (which I never actually saw)

Number 2: 21st Century Breakdown by Green Day. There’s a bit of language here, but nothing you’ve probably not heard before. I associate it with something I was going through when the album of the same name was released, hence the large number of plays.

Number 1:  United States of Eurasia (+Collateral Damage) by Muse. An epic song from an epic album. Brilliant. I don’t have the official video for this (and am unsure one exists yet), so this will have to do.

As an extra treat, I found this gem off 2002, which I’m not sure has aged terribly well. I’d forgotten about it and found it on youtube. I recalled it was quite good at the time, so…enjoy!

You know those moments when you say something so incredibly dumb and time stands completely still and you just want the ground to swallow you up?

I might be on course for a PhD, but to be honest it might as well stand for Phantastically Dumb the way I feel just now. I owe someone a massive apology… [Sorry for the rant, I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. This isn't the apology of which I speak by the way]

So today is St Andrew’s day and I’ve been asked to write a blog post about something Scotland related. Of course, I could write about how strange it is that Scotland’s patron saint be one of Jesus’ disciples who is unlikely to have ever visited the country and was crucified on a Saltire in Greece, or that it’s good that eye tests are free of charge, but I think it’s worth covering what makes Scotland the fine nation that it is. And that is its people.

Most Presbyterian Ulstermen like myself were descended from 16th and 17th century planters who were asked politely (or probably forced) by the monarchy to settle down in Ireland to convert the locals and inspire more loyalty towards whichever monarch happened to be on the throne at the time. The majority of these planters were Scottish and as such the histories of Scotland and Ulster have become inexorably linked. Hence, for me, it’s quite easy to feel “at home” in the home of my ancestors (though I should say that I do have a bit of English blood, but that’s for another time; unlike some, I’m not one to disregard my heritage, but it’s Scotland’s day I’m talking about!).

Scottish people are great. They must be, for I know many people who eschew any other nationality they may lay claim to in order to claim Scottishness (which, sometimes, is quite funny). But why? Is it the banter? The outlook on life? A sense of romanticism about being a distinct people from a larger neighbour? Probably all of these things, but whatever it is, it must be good.

The banter is great. In Northern Ireland you get banter that kind of relies on a history of conflict, but here it’s a lot more good-natured. Granted, if you’re going to talk about the Old Firm (or the England football team), you might get a bit of this, but generally it’s not bad at all.

Then there’s the obsession with ceilidh dancing. If you’re a protestant in Northern Ireland the closest you’ll get to a traditional dance might be a Boys’ Brigade parade (not meaning to generalize.. but still), but here, if there’s any hint of an occasion, fundraiser, wedding or birthday, a caller (for all the foreigners you see) and a band are the first thing anyone looks for. Ceilidhs are fun, but its certainly good that men in kilts don’t do the “basket” dance, and it’s always fun to notice that two girls are perfectly happy dancing together, but you’ll never see two boys doing the Gay Gordons. Can’t think why.

Of course, Scots do have their flaws (as do we Ulstermen) but on the whole, it’s a great place to live.

[apologies for the abrupt ending, I kind of ran out of time..]

1) The Strokes “Is this it” is a great album (in reference to NME naming it best album of the decade), but I’m pretty sure better albums have been released this decade. Now, having said that, I can’t think of any. “Greatest Hits” by Goldie Lookin’ Chain?

2) I’m really enjoying the 20s and 30s church  group at the minute (which I’ll not refer to by its official name as it would require me to explain it)

3) Proposal stories should be a private matter between the couple in question. Telling everyone puts pressure on guys to “outdo” whatever stories have been circulated. Cue barrage of abuse from females.. (on a similar vein, certain relatives of mine, while I love them dearly, should stop telling us every five minutes on facebook how great their significant others are…)

4) Someone is poking around certain aspects of my private life, and probably doesn’t realise he’s closer to home than he thinks he is. From what he says, I expect that he has been “investigating” for a good few weeks now…

5) Doctor Who is great, and I can’t wait for the Christmas Specials! I reckon if I could be a superhero it’d be him. Except for the last ten minutes of “The Waters of Mars” when he was a bit of a jerk.

6) My (female) students had a conversation today about the relative merits of Zac Efron, the fellow off Twilight and the Jonas brothers. I can’t wait to be a dad then I’ll be legally obliged to lose touch of this and things like X Factor (which I don’t watch, but still know a startling amount about!)

7) Is it just me or is Top Gear getting a bit repetitive these days?

7) Is it just me or is Top Gear getting a bit repetitive these days?

7) Is it just me or is Top Gear getting a bit repetitive these days? (sorry)

8 ) Writing a PhD thesis is really, really hard going

9) I have never seen an episode of “The Wire” but it’s fun to see how hurt its fans look when you tell them you don’t like it, and how they will try to tell you you’re wrong (though they often expose my fraud quite quickly…)

November 11th is, for me, a significant date. Certainly, armistice day is an important enough thing to acknowledge, but every time it comes round, I am reminded that it’s another year since I last cried.

I cast my mind back to the night of November 9th, 2002. The CU weekend away was in full swing, but I was not there, as I had decided that I didn’t have £40 to spare (I was in First Year, and finances weren’t really my strong point back then). It was for the best that I didn’t go, because that night I got ill. For the benefit of certain people who I know read this blog, I won’t go into the details of this illness but needless to say, I didn’t get a great deal of sleep that night. I was really not well at all, and it went on for a couple of days. By the end of it, on November 11th, I just broke down and cried and cried and cried in my room because I just couldn’t cope with the being unwell and not having my family there to comfort me (I must admit though that the girls who stayed either side of me in halls were terrific, knocked on my door to make sure I was ok and got me some coke). I got better soon enough though.

Anyway, that was the last time that I properly cried. Since then, crying just hasn’t happened, even though a lot has. I’ve had anxiety, heartbreak, rejection, disappointment, death of friends and relatives, loneliness, identity crises, bad blood with folks, illness, failure, acts of God destroying significant portions of my work, friends having issues and other things I won’t mention. But there were also happy things like friends getting married and having kids, graduating, passing my driving test, unexpected surprises, getting good results for my thesis, and other things that I can’t think of. In other words, I’ve led pretty much a normal life (with some good and bad bits that come with the territory of what I do).

It’s not a secret that I seem unable to cry. When I say this to people, they tend to assume that I’m just being a guy and that I don’t want to be seen crying, but I assure you that this is not the case. I feel emotions like everyone else, it’s just that there now appears to be a barrier preventing me from displaying them. I think crying, done in moderation, is a healthy thing as I can recall that once it was over, it provided some kind of finality to whatever it was that you were going through, kind of just getting it all off your system if you like. There are many times I have wondered if what I was going through would be less traumatic if only I could just shed a few tears over it, but as it stands I’m stuck with at most one at a time. I guess it’s not a major problem, and it’s not something I worry about consistently, but I sometimes wonder if things would be different if I could. There are some contexts I could maybe seeing it becoming an issue in, but those aren’t really relevant at this point in time.

But I suppose this will be another addition in my “questions to ask God after the resurrection” pile.

NB I’m not really looking for answers (or indeed, sympathy), my main motivation for writing this post was that I had a couple of conversations with people about this recently and I just wanted to clarify some things.