Welcome to the Edinburgh University Learning and Education Review! In it I intend to put forward all the (made up) news from the School of Maths as it happens.

This week:

EULER can reveal the School’s new HEALTH AND SAFETY policy. After vaguely looking up a GCSE Chemisty book, The Administration has decided that since Oxygen is one of the key elements in the creation of fire, all Oxygen is to be removed from PG offices without delay*. In a statement released via email, in the midst of a flurry of Dentist list emails, and about halfway down in a list of forwards said this:

FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:

” It has come to my attention that some PGs are making use of more Oxygen than is necessary. We remind PGs that Oxygen does not grow on trees and is a fire hazard. Therefore, Estates and Buildings** will be barging into your rooms in the next few weeks to remove any excess Oxygen from your offices. You will still have access to any Nitrogen, water vapour, Carbon Dioxide and Noble gases you desire, but any attempts to obtain any more Oxygen will be dealt with severely.

Of course, the administration will still have access to a supply of Oxygen, which we will administer to any PG who does extra tutorial work, and who sells us their soul.”

*of course you should be aware of the trade holidays and it probably won’t happen til 2015

** the unofficial name for Estates, Unnecessary and Incessant Drilling, and Interminable Stair Painting.

Following this, a row went up on the PG list. This from miserablegit6322@fakedomain.org:

“We should be thankful that when our elders respire, they don’t use all the Oxygen in their lungs and still have some left for us. Why should we complain when they do so much respiration on our behalf? So please, stop clogging my inbox. Reading your emails when I can just delete them is causing me to not submit my thesis!”

And from laughingallthewayfromcopenhagen@arribaarribaondelayondelay.mx:

“So long suckers!”

And from ivejustbeenedvivadeh@shutupaboutmaxwellalready.ca:

“While students most breathing issues to worry about, weather they like it or not, not one student should move to room 3316″. True, but irrelevant and nonsensical.

Shortly after the edict was pronounced, another email was sent to clarify that stealing the Physics air would not be tolerated, and that living in a vacuum was just going to be a warm-up for the career vacuum we’re all going to enter when we graduate.

EULER does not take such issues lightly, and is campaigning against these proposals, until someone sends us an academic threat, or we asphyxiate.

I signed in and was greeted with this message:

Help translate Facebook into English (UK) so that it can be used by people all over the world, in all languages.

Click on the Translate Facebook button to add the Translations application, developed by Facebook so that you can be part of the community of translators.

Do they really need anyone to “translate” into UK English? Is there actually anything that needs translating?

I think most of us in the “old country” recognise that facebook is American and we accept its foibles with good humor (see what I did there?).

Anyway, I’m hoping to screw it up a bit:

I’ve already sent them a message saying that “X has written on your wall” is written

” What ho old chap, X has defaced your castle. Tally ho!”

as that’s probably how they imagine we all talk anyway. To balance it, I encourage you to do similar things, but perhaps with cockney rhyming slang, geordie or Glaswegian. But to be honest that would really be a complete waste of your time.

An observation: you often see adverts on TV (particularly the music channels) for these trance/ibiza/hardcore compilation albums.

I have noticed that these are little miracles in that they take terrible songs and make them sound much worse than they were previously (at least that’s if the adverts are anything to go by). I remember back in the day when you couldn’t watch Friends on a friday night without about three of these things being shoved down your throat.

So annoyed we were, that I had a massive rant about it in the school sixth form centre one day with some of the guys and created my own impromptu parody advert for

“Ibiza: nervous breakdown” :the only CD compilation in the world that brings you to tears!

Those were the days…

The problem with blogs is that it is too easy to make mistakes with content, writing style, facts and so on. When you really want to write something, it’s easy to sacrifice readability, credibility and accuracy, particularly if you want to post it in a hurry.

Therefore, I don’t think I’ll be posting anything of any real substance for a while as it seems that now I do not have the time to write things properly. You might argue that nothing has changed, but that would be churlish.

I was in Waitrose recently and there was a woman giving out free packs of washing up liquid. Prior to speaking to me, she was telling this other lady about the benefits of this particular brand (which I have used in the past, but hey, it’s free so why not? ). Anyway the previous lady went away and I caught the seller’s eye.

“Sir would you like some free washing up liquid?” (fair enough, though calling me “sir” kind of took me aback)

I took some, then she said

“I’m sure someone you know can find a use for it” (or words to that effect)

Cheeky woman! I would have asked her what she meant by that, but she had already started talking to someone who looked like that were capable of doing washing up. Clearly, my demeanor says a lot about my dishwashing habits. Those of you who have actually been to my flat will know how lax we are as a whole about it, but the truth is that Andrew and I do 90%+ of the washing up in our flat, so, well, it’s not like I’m scared of a dishcloth. Oh well.

Although I assure you the Doctor probably wouldn’t dance to this. Ever.

Words can’t describe how mercilessly irritating this song is. Someone sent it to me and I think it’s only fair that I inflict it on the rest of you so I don’t suffer alone. It’s from a kids’ show in the US and is presumably to promote healthy eating, although the only thing it promotes in me is a sense of rage and a desire to never have children so I don’t get subjected to things like this in the future. It hurts both my eyes and my ears and probably affects smell, touch and taste aversely too.

[NB Kids are actually great]

Dressing gowns/ bathrobes are great for when you’re having a lazy day. Sleeping nude is great too, especially in a hot summer.

However, I cannot stress enough the pitfalls of combining the two. It’s too easy to wander out of bed and stick a dressing gown on and go watch Dave in the kitchen on the sofa, with your legs wide open and making your flatmates see something they really don’t want to see. Put some pants on for goodness sake lads and stop giving me nightmares. I don’t like you that much.

So,  I booked my driving test for today in the hope that I would pass it. It turns out I didn’t pass it, but that is because I didn’t sit it.

We arrived at the test centre this morning and saw that there was a sign on the front door  saying that there was industrial action that day. Apparently the driving examiners were protesting against job cuts. Now I don’t disagree with showing support for  their colleagues, but it is grossly unfair to just spring this on poor gibbons like me who were hoping to jump through another of life’s little hoops today.

Make no mistake, I am really, really annoyed with this, and while I will get my money back, this is scant consolation for ruining what I was hoping to be a good day. If any driving examiners are reading this, I hope you are thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.