My friend Luke has a new blog. He’s a bit low on posts just now, but knowing him, he’ll have some crackers (no pressure). Just click on “Luke Arthur” (no relation to Mike below him) on the right!

Some folks and I went down to the beach yesterday and it was amazing.

I decided to go for a paddle in the sea (between the dead jellyfish and Kirckcaldy) and it took me by surprise how good it felt (for i had not done so in many, many years for one reason or another) and it was so refreshing that I thought I might have walked to Norway. Common sense prevailed however and my wistfulness was curbed by needing to eat. Eating was great and the smell of salt from the sea added to the experience.

It reminded me of long gone times in which I would go to Helen’s Bay with my family (and complain because I didn’t really like the beach all that much- I was a weird child) and I’d very much like to go again soon, and maybe I’ll bring some proper swimming kit this time. If you were there and were reading this, thanks for contributing to one of the best weekends I’ve had in ages!

More recycled tosh: this time some thoughts on pub quizzes. Enjoy.

<<What is proper when it comes to pub quizzes? Well, wonder no more as I present to you the unwrriten (but now typed) rules of the pub quiz. My thanks to James Gray (no, the other one)for assisting me.

Arrive on time
The first thing about pub quizzes is that everyone is present for every question. Therefore if the quiz starts at 9, take some time to order drinks and take in the atmosphere, at around half eight if the quiz is a popular one. Once there, settle in and introduce yourself to any team members you may not know, since group cohesion is vital. Make sure that you pay your fee and split it evenly if one is required.

Team name
The team name is not so important, unless there are points on offer for best name. Bear in mind that an “amusing” name may get annoying as the evening goes on, so make sure it has longevity. If it is your first time doing the quiz, don’t pick names with swear words in them since the quizmaster might not like that so much (especially inappropriate in a church quiz) and he may mark you more harshly. However, if you know the quizmaster is fine with it, then by all means, as long as it is funny. This also applies to insults towards the quizmaster and his or her appearance/girlfriend/mum.

Make sure it’s easy to read and not too hard to pronounce, and no silly Prince-style symbols. If you want to make a name for your team, simple is best. The best quiz name I know of was
“Operation: Harold Bishop”.

Team size
Ideal team size varies. The golden rule is check out the other teams to see how big they are. No size is too small, but if appropriate, split up into two groups of roughly equal size. Do not help each other’s teams as this will be the same as having one big team.

Writer-downer
A writer-downer is to be appointed, and should be someone with neat, legible handwriting. They need not be the same for the whole quiz, but should realise that someone else may want to do it and be gracious and let them do it. For more see “Questions” and “Moguls”.

Questions
The quizmaster will ask the questions, and while he or she is doing this, chatter should be kept to a minimum. When a question is read out, shouting out a ridiculous answer is not appropriate-it wears thin very quickly.

If the writer-downer knows the answer he or she can write it down, but should show everyone else the answer, just in case someone wants to correct it.

Moguls
A Mogul is defined as somebody in a pub quiz team who seems to have a high degree of knowledge in every area.

There are two types:
The first is the team-worker mogul. He or she will have an answer ready, but will consider everyone else’s response before asserting that their answer is the correct one. It is worthwhile having one or two of these on a team.

The second is the dominant mogul. He or she will want to hog the paper and not accept anyone else’s answer as correct, perhaps even being stubborn enough to insist that an answer they know is wrong is correct. It is vital that you do not give the mogul the task of writer-downer. I would suggest not having more than one such player on a team, since the whole point of the quiz is to have fun, and one person’s selfishness can ruin it for everybody.

Group participation
It is vital that everyone feels valued as a quiz participant, after all, everyone paid an entrance fee. Thus, those who seem to be answering fewer questions should perhaps be given the task of writer-downer, so they feel included in the group.

Guessing
You may not know an answer. If someone has a vague inkling to an answer and noone else does, then put that down. I have some all-purpose answers for guessing
“Winston Churchill” and “Margaret Thatcher” are useful for “history” for example. Leaving blank answers is the ultimate no-no in pub quizzes. If you can’t buy a ticket you won’t win the raffle. Also, don’t put stupid answers down as this will annoy the marker, which is not what you want. You might find that type two moguls won’t accept guesses the “know” to be wrong. If they don’t know the answer, tell them it’s a good idea to put something down, ven if it seems wrong. Lastly, for true or false type questions, if none of you genuinely know the answer, then take a vote or toss a coin, then no individual can be blamed.

Mobile phones
There’s no harm in keeping your phone on, but in the interests of fairness and transparency, try to use it between rounds when your team has handed in the answers. It’s more fun to win by not cheating.

Specialist rounds
There is no avoiding the music and picture rounds. Usually, there are double points on offer for artist and song, and perhaps extra for naming the film whose soundtrack it was on, or the album or year of release. Be considerate by not speaking too loudly during this round, but you need to communicate your answer to the writer-downer so whisper or speak softly if needs be.

The picture round is usually a badly photocopied piece of paper with pictures of A-list celebrities in their youth or in some amusing situation. No writer-downer is required for this round as it’s usually played over several “question” rounds and can be filled in at your leisure. Make sure your answers are sensible and legible and that everyone is content with the answers before handing in.

There may also be sport and current affairs rounds, but these are fading out and all the rounds seem to come under the banner “general knowledge”. This is a great pity, but progress is progress. Where these rounds still exist, one player may nominate him or herself as a specialist. They should not be given writer-downer duties so everyone can object to an answer that was given, and not just assume they were right because they were a “specialist”. I would keep specialisations to myself, personally, as it is easy to get annoyed when someone usurps your position.

Reading out of answers
The golden rule is that the quizmaster is always right even when (s)he’s wrong. So when they read out an answer you disagree with, accept it with good grace. They’re only human too, you know. Likewise, excessive cheering over an answer probably won’t win you too many friends.

Results
Ideally, results will be read from the bottom upwards, so the team that finishes last will be read first. Finishing last is, for some, a great honour and will often be awarded with a booby prize. It is only polite to applaud the team’s efforts as they collect it.

It is generally not the case that you applaud everyone else’s name as they are read out. The teams in question probably aren’t too bothered and will probably not want to be “congratulated” for mediocrity. When the second-place team (and hence the winner) is announced, applaud them, even if while cheering for victory. Likewise, applaud the winners. If you were dissatisfied as to their conduct, don’t applaud them, but don’t boo them either.

Prizes
Should be shared equally throughout the team, regardless of participation. >>

Well done if you got this far. That I spent so much time writing this is probably to be feared…

I was clearing up my web presence a bit by going through old blogs and such and I found this piece of comedy bronze that I wrote way back in 2006. It formed part of a larger project called “Exothermic” which was a parody magazine (of Kirsty Green’s short-lived “Warmth”, in itself a parody of Heat) I wrote making light heart of things I’d seen or my friends. Most of it is either not funny or now irrelevant, but this gem made me smile. (By the way there are more Christian subculture gags at http://stuffchristianslike.blogspot.com).

<<CU in C-word crackdown!

First up, in an unprecedented move, the CU committee has decided introduce legislation to ban all CU members from using the c-word. The word, which is not in itself a profanity, has caused much upset amongst certain members of the organisation, despite being a very commonly-used word in the English language, and not being the word you are probably thinking of. The committee has allowed Exothermic to use a special euphemism for this word, and we can reveal that it is a “generic caffeine-based hot drink”.

The CU’s resident legal expert, Ruth Morrison explains.

“The committee decided that it was time for something to be done about this issue. When I first arrived in Edinburgh, it was perfectly safe and normal to go out for a generic caffeine-based hot drink without anyone so much as batting an eyelid. Now you can’t even glance at a cup of the stuff without someone insinuating that you fancy someone or are at the start of a relationship.”

It seems that Ms. Morrison has a point, for when exothermic went down to the chaplaincy one Wednesday lunchtime, we found that, on mentioning coffee, 103% of people went “oooOOOOOoooo” and got very excited.

“We want to assert that CU is not a dating agency.” Continues Ruth. “We also want people to be comfortable within the CU environment, and to be able to say what they like without people jumping to conclusions. That’s why we’ve banned the word (along with its derivatives), and will allow it back when some other word steals its connotations. My money’s on “Hot Chocolate”. ”

Bosses at Favorit, BeanScene and Negotiants are said to be quaking in their boots as Friday night and Wednesday morning profits look set to be hit hard. Local caffeine addicts Iain Proctor and Josiah Lockhart are also said to be “most unhappy”.

Ms. Morrison also revealed that the punishment for uttering the word is to be beaten to death with a copy of “I kissed dating goodbye” by Joshua Harris.>>

Still applicable today though eh?