Since I’ve passed my test I’ve really enjoyed driving. I try to be as safe as possible and stick within the limits but there’s one thing nagging away in the back of my head, and that is speed cameras. I am so paranoid about them you wouldn’t believe it. On Saturday I drove to Glasgow and back to see my friends Phil & Kirsty (not the ones of Location Location Location) and during the inevitible roadworks on the M8, there was a 40mph limit. No sign of cameras, safety vans or peelers with hairdryers  anywhere, and certainly nothing warning me of them (though I understand now they are not obliged to warn you), but because I briefly (due to football on the radio) went up to 44 (the horror!) I have spent a bit too much time the last couple of days trying to find positive confirmation that there were no speed cameras (average speed, GATSO or otherwise, though I saw no flash) along this 2-mile stretch. I’ve yet to find any and it’s gonna drive me bats for a couple of weeks until I’m sure that nothing nasty is going to drop through the door.

I failed my test twice because of speeding, but this is making me go insane! What’s wrong with me??

I’m happy to report that on Friday I passed my UK driving test. For many, this is a pretty mundane thing that they just do once, pass, and carry on with their lives.

Unfortunately for me, this is not the case. I passed my theory test two summers ago, getting 100% in the process (if you ignore hazard perception, which of course one should never do), having high hopes that the licence would soon follow suit.  It did, but it took 22 months.

Two days ago this statistic really depressed me when I thought about it (but I didn’t do that often), but now I’ve passed, I can laugh (“something to tell the grandkids” is a phrase I like to use for such things) about the fact that I failed the practical test seven times. That’s the same as Maureen off Driving School (apologies if you don’t remember that show. do a search for “Maureen Driving School” if you want to know more)!

The reason I got so upset about it was that each time I failed, the thing that I did wrong was something new that I hadn’t done in a previous test and wasn’t really an issue when I was with my instructor:

1. The first test I hit a kerb reversing round a corner, and didn’t observe properly during a parallel park. It’s a fair cop.

2. The second I failed before I even left the car park. for some reason I decided to drive a bit too close to the guy who was leaving before me, and the examiner had to brake for me. After that, it all went to pieces and I ended up with five majors. Oops.

3. After a change of test centre, I did really well in my third test. Until I pulled over and forgot to switch my indicator off, pulled out again with it still on and had to be told that it was confusing everybody. Bah. This a week after they cancelled my original test because of a strike. That was not a good day.

4. I got two dangerous faults (that’s really bad) for emerging too hastily from a couple of junctions. The examiner told me to “go away and think about what I did”. No-one’s told me to do that for about 14 years.

5. Going on a roundabout when it wasn’t safe.. going too fast on a country road.. messing up a parallel park.. “You’re a good driver, you’re just a bit too nervous”.. thanks very much

6. ..but even with a new instructor, nothing changes. Missed a 30mph speed limit sign, had to be told to slow down, moved off when it wasn’t safe, that’ll be another £60 please Mr. Stothers..

7. Missed a 30mph speed limit sign, got told to slow down (spotting a theme?), only got two minors as well as the major. I’m not a violent man, but I really felt like punching somebody after that one.

8. Luckily the only punching I did was punching my details into the DSA website, for a test which I thought would be my last, irrespective of the result as I didn’t think I could handle the humiliation. Luckily, this time I passed with 8 minors, despite for some reason putting the car in reverse when I shouldn’t have, and driving at 30 in a 40 (because I missed a 40mph sign!). I guess it’s better than the obverse!

After that, I was relieved more than anything else, just because of the disappointment and humiliation it had caused (the money hurt as well.. I reckon I spent about £400 in tests alone), but then I realised that perseverance and hard graft can actually pay off.

So the reason I put all this stuff up here is just to say that if there’s anyone struggling with this or anything else, then it’s worth keeping at, if circumstances allow, because it will pay off eventually!

Of course, now I’ll stop haemorrhageing cash on lessons and maybe start haemorrhageing cash on insurance, road tax, petrol, and buying an actual car. But that’s for the future, for now, I’m just glad to have passed. Thanks to all who prayed!

Today, I failed my fourth driving test. I don’t really want to say why, but it’s a problem now because I’m starting to get into a mindset where I’m genuinely believing that I’m not suitable for driving. This is, of course, nonsense, but it’s easy to think like this, and I’ll try not to.

It’s difficult when people who could afford to learn to drive when they were 17 keep asking me why I didn’t do it then, and when everyone else, barring a couple, seems to have done it within the first two goes.

I sound pretty miserable and I guess I am, but if you’d made the mistakes I did you’d be pretty distressed too. But not to worry, I’ll snap out of this soon enough. Don’t expect any lifts anywhere before then though.

I wrote to my MP when my driving test was cancelled last month, and he has been most helpful. He forwarded to me a letter from the Secretary of State for Transport, which contained one of the most hilarious paragraphs I have ever read.

“I do appreciate how important taking a driving test is and can understand how upset Mr Stothers must have been when his test was cancelled. This happened because the Public and Commercial Services Union [....] called for industrial action on 29 February, the day on which Mr Stothers was supposed to have taken his test. I am very sorry for the convenience this must have caused.”

Funny, I don’t remember it causing me any convenience. Maybe he is referring to the convenience of the examiners who enjoyed a nice long weekend, for which he is right to apologise.

Government-speak is brilliant isn’t it?

I have a new driving test time- but I’m not going to say when it is. The good news is that it’s effectively free! I’ll post up how I did when I get round to doing the test. It’s not too far away…

So,  I booked my driving test for today in the hope that I would pass it. It turns out I didn’t pass it, but that is because I didn’t sit it.

We arrived at the test centre this morning and saw that there was a sign on the front door  saying that there was industrial action that day. Apparently the driving examiners were protesting against job cuts. Now I don’t disagree with showing support for  their colleagues, but it is grossly unfair to just spring this on poor gibbons like me who were hoping to jump through another of life’s little hoops today.

Make no mistake, I am really, really annoyed with this, and while I will get my money back, this is scant consolation for ruining what I was hoping to be a good day. If any driving examiners are reading this, I hope you are thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.