Initial Conditions

I was recently sent a link to the website of the Latin Course we did in school. I’d forgotten about this story, which I will reproduce  for you now (in English), the end of which is brilliant (Quintus is Caecilius’ son, Grumio his cook and Metella his wife):

Caecilius is walking to the harbour. Caecilius is looking around the harbour. The banker sees a Syrian ship and walks towards the ship. Syphax is standing near the ship.

“Hello, Syphax!”, shouts the banker. Syphax is a slave-dealer. Syphax greets Caecilius.

Ceacilius seeks a slave. Syphax smiles. Look! Syphax has a great slave. Caecilius looks at the slave. The banker is not happy. The banker does not buy the slave.

“Wine!” shouts Syphax. The slave-girl brings wine to Caecilius. The banker drinks the wine. Caecilius looks at the slave-girl. The slave-girl is beautiful. The slave-girl smiles. The slave-girl pleases Caecilius. The slave-dealer also smiles.

“Melissa cooks an excellent dinner,” says the slave-dealer. “Melissa speaks Latin. Melissa is educated and pretty. Melissa…”

“Enough, enough!”, shouts Caecilius.  Caecilius buys Melissa and returns to the house. Melissa pleases Grumio. Melissa pleases Quintus. Alas! Melissa does not please Metella.

If any women are upset by such misogyny, you’ll be pleased to hear Caecilius ends up squashed by a wall after Vesuvius erupts. Grumio also dies, and Quintus ends up in Britain, so they all get their just desserts.

(If you’re wondering why everything is in the present tense, it’s because you don’t learn past tense until unit VI)