Initial Conditions

A short history of bad films I saw at the cinema, in no particular order.

1. Batman and Robin. George Clooney, Arnie, “Ice to see you”. No, no, no!

2. Police Academy: Mission to Moscow. “I know, let’s put that guy who makes the noises in it. But let’s not worry that he wasn’t ever really all that funny. No, 4 laughs a film is too many.”

3. Doom. The Rock was in this, but if you had actually cast actual rocks in this movie, you would barely have noticed the difference. Oh and why oh why write such a contrived plot for the film when the game HANDS YOU ONE PRE-WRITTEN??? Arrrgh!

4. Super Mario Bros. Oh Daisy, I see you have a shotgun and say “Guys, you have to see this!” before the credits roll. Are they going to make a sequel to this bilge so we actually see what it is? Are they arse. Do I care? Nope.

5. Balls of Fury. Jack Black clone goes from zero to hero by winning some table tennis. The film’s main flaw is that a main gag is that the chinese guy who is some kind of Table Tennis guru turns out to be Christopher Walken, but you know this anyway from the DVD/ movie poster. That, and not being as funny as it advertised.

6. Wanted. “You are my son” (notice the avoidance of “I am your father”) is fast becoming my least favourite movie cliche ever. This wasn’t even said in irony, which makes it all the worse.

7.The Godfather. Only joking, I haven’t seen it, I just wanted to be controversial.

8. Divorcing Jack. Robert Lindsay+dodgy accent+claiming that you’re in Bangor when you’re obviously in Donaghadee+ not being anywhere near as entertaining as the book= a DVD which is good as a coaster and not much else.

9. Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. Haha yes, some chinese films are badly dubbed. Ok, you can stop this gag now. Oh and now the dog has been badly dubbed and the villain is calling himself Betty. Go away and leave me in peace, you horrible, evil film!

10. Snakes on a Plane. You sit and wait for this one line to come and when it comes it’s been so obviously just edited in that it lets you down massively, and to boot it isn’t really any good.

So there’s my list of shame. Doubtless I’ve missed some out, but you’re free to add to it…