Initial Conditions

I was clearing up my web presence a bit by going through old blogs and such and I found this piece of comedy bronze that I wrote way back in 2006. It formed part of a larger project called “Exothermic” which was a parody magazine (of Kirsty Green’s short-lived “Warmth”, in itself a parody of Heat) I wrote making light heart of things I’d seen or my friends. Most of it is either not funny or now irrelevant, but this gem made me smile. (By the way there are more Christian subculture gags at http://stuffchristianslike.blogspot.com).

<<CU in C-word crackdown!

First up, in an unprecedented move, the CU committee has decided introduce legislation to ban all CU members from using the c-word. The word, which is not in itself a profanity, has caused much upset amongst certain members of the organisation, despite being a very commonly-used word in the English language, and not being the word you are probably thinking of. The committee has allowed Exothermic to use a special euphemism for this word, and we can reveal that it is a “generic caffeine-based hot drink”.

The CU’s resident legal expert, Ruth Morrison explains.

“The committee decided that it was time for something to be done about this issue. When I first arrived in Edinburgh, it was perfectly safe and normal to go out for a generic caffeine-based hot drink without anyone so much as batting an eyelid. Now you can’t even glance at a cup of the stuff without someone insinuating that you fancy someone or are at the start of a relationship.”

It seems that Ms. Morrison has a point, for when exothermic went down to the chaplaincy one Wednesday lunchtime, we found that, on mentioning coffee, 103% of people went “oooOOOOOoooo” and got very excited.

“We want to assert that CU is not a dating agency.” Continues Ruth. “We also want people to be comfortable within the CU environment, and to be able to say what they like without people jumping to conclusions. That’s why we’ve banned the word (along with its derivatives), and will allow it back when some other word steals its connotations. My money’s on “Hot Chocolate”. ”

Bosses at Favorit, BeanScene and Negotiants are said to be quaking in their boots as Friday night and Wednesday morning profits look set to be hit hard. Local caffeine addicts Iain Proctor and Josiah Lockhart are also said to be “most unhappy”.

Ms. Morrison also revealed that the punishment for uttering the word is to be beaten to death with a copy of “I kissed dating goodbye” by Joshua Harris.>>

Still applicable today though eh?